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Nov. 8th, 2016

Life just sucks donkey’s balls at the moment. It feels as if the whole planet is on a precipice, pending the possible election of an orange-painted utter numpty as president of one of it’s superpowers. That’s enough to drive anyone to distraction, without all the to-do over Brexit, wars, immigration, Syria, Sudan and of course, multiple natural disasters, usually in countries with brahn people, so nobody takes much notice. And I just keep on thinking what a horrible, horrible place this is. It’s a shitty world. We hunt and poach everything to extinction, we wilfully imprison and torture sentient beings for our own amusement. We are, disgusting as a race.

Nearer to home, I am being let down, or put last, which is a situation I’m not prepared to tolerate. Things just cancelled due to “forgetting” or somebody being invited to something I was invited first, when he knows it will just cause unpleasantness for all concerned. Fuck that shit, I don’t want to be in his poxy circus. As for telling me not to wear a ballgown or bottle Janice, that’s hilarious. I’ve always been well-turned out for Rem, and perfectly well-behaved. She however, leaves a lot to be desired in the politeness in public stakes, as he well knows, and she’s already said that she won’t even speak to me. I’ve absolutely no intention of dropping my standards to other peoples’ or be sidelined, or be ignored, so I shall decide on the day if I go or not. Unfair, yes, he admits it is. But I’ve not time for silly women or silly men. I’m choosing me, because nobody else did. Disappointed that it’s never me being stood by, or chosen, who wouldn’t be. But his choice, hey ho. We have the Warrant Officers do next week, which I’ve provided a free hotel for, ho ho ho. I’ve not bothered with a new dress, or shoes, or a bag or anything, except a cheap Ebay necklace, which I may not even wear. It’s hard to generate enthusiasm for somebody who refuses point blank to prioritise you, but expects all the benefits in reverse. We’ll see.

Plusses are, he’s had his third counselling session, and it appears to be really beneficial, and we are talking about the topics being discussed, which is all very positive. Hard, but positive. I was tearful for most of last night, but that’s all part of the process. He’s still not out of the habit of blaming everyone else for the results of his own actions, but as he’s never had any real self-awareness or emotional responsibility, I recognise that this will take time, and I’m embracing the changes. And very, very grateful that he does at least value our relationship enough to go to the counselling. Joint relationship counselling to follow after his block, but I’ll only do that if he’s made improvements in the way he treats me. No point otherwise. It’s a hard road, I’m finding it difficult, and his behaviour isn’t helping.

The other major plus is he’s booked a holiday (well, flights at least) for Naples in the spring. I get 4 days, as opposed to the TA’s 4 weeks, but it’s a start! More to come I hope.

Did an overnight in Zaragoza with Debbie at the weekend, which went really well. It really is a lovely city, and pretty cheap, even with the Euro exchange rate being dire. Full of good bars and restaurants, plus the obligatory Catholic churches, and numerous statues, quaint squares, cascades, fab shops, and really plenty to do for a weekend. Except buy cigarettes at the airport. You can’t do that :(

Rod surprised me by doing about half of the housework/Ebaying I would do when he’s away. Not so much a surprise as I told him what needed doing, but a surprise he did as much as he did, so that’s very positive.

Not sure what I want to do this week. Did have plans for Wednesday, but I feel drained, and the enthusiasm has just been sucked out of me again. Sunday has been stomped on, but Saturday and Dawnie will go ahead as planned, and re-planned, and re-planned LOL! It is pretty hard to just keep going, but what can you do?  I keep on getting knocked, and it's affecting me pretty badly now.


Call me Madam

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