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Aug. 19th, 2015

Things didn’t go very well. I’m disappointed, but not too much, because it’s kinda what I expected. I was secretly hoping for an apology (at the very least) and for him to somehow step up to the plate, take responsibility for his own actions and behaviours and together, to try to change that. But he came on his usual blamestorming mission, so I just let him talk, as I knew there was no chance of anything positive happening.

I am responsible for his lying and cheating because I play Scrabble and go on Facebook. When I asked the cause  of his lying and cheating before online Scrabble and Facebook were even invented, he had no reply.  He also had no reply when I asked him why he didn’t engage me in conversation or suggest something else to do. It’s all my responsibility you see, to keep him amused and engaged, and It hasn’t occurred to him as to why I might have started playing online Scrabble.  It also didn’t occur to him that before I played Scrabble, I shopped for his dinner in Tesco, washed up, bleached the kitchen floor, vacuumed the lounge,  fed the cats and played with them, cooked and served his dinner etc  etc. I didn’t bother telling him, he’s always thought the hausfrau fairies do all this, I just play Scrabble J

He asked, that if he meets people he wants to have sex with, should he have to phone me every time, I answered that he shouldn’t be getting into, let alone actively seeking out, those situations. But he knows that. He knew it before he met me. Everybody knows it.

He’s unhappy, he hates his job, he isn’t doing what he used to do at 19, he thinks his body is falling apart. These things are my fault, and that entitles him to treat me badly.  He can’t accept that he’s almost 50, and that everybody slows down, changes and can do less, so the blame is shunted on to me. Oh yeah, and I’m “broken” because I can’t do the things he wants. I keep telling him, I don’t actually want to, regardless of my back, but he simply chooses not to listen.  I have never wanted to, this isn’t news! It upsets me to be referred to as broken, I’ve told him this before, but he persists in calling me that.

He wants to go cycling and sailing (?!) and camping. It’s my fault that he doesn’t. In fact he does most of the things he wants to and is just about to go on a 2 week TA summer camp He’s been racing on Fridays whenever he’s been available and wanted to, and I’d be all up for camping, but it just hasn’t happened. And then there’s the problem of how late he gets home from work, often 9-10pm, and nobody wants to do anything at that sort of time, and it also means  that housey things that need doing, get pushed on to weekend time, because they still need doing. That’s all apparently my fault as well.

He can’t see the hypocrisy in me being told I can’t do the things I enjoy, and yet him demanding, constantly, to do the things he wants, even when that means saddling me with extra work, being alone, or having my relationship boundaries trampled over. And I really don’t know if he’s just being deliberately stupid about this, or he’s just super-selfish.

He doesn’t spend much time at TA he says. Well 1 weekend a month, a 2 week camp and most Wednesday nights is quite a bit, when you add it on to all the work time away and the various other
things he does. But he doesn’t see that, so we’ll just have to disagree.

We touched on him being discontent with absolutely everything all the time. I mentioned that people have said he should look for professional help with depression and hoarding. He was open minded about that, which is really good, and I hope he does get some help. I can’t help him any more, I have tried, but it got thrown in my face once too often. That and the lying n cheating.

Not once did he ask me what I wanted, how I felt, what I’d like to do. Because he simply has no intrest. . He’s completely wrapped up in himself to a very unpleasant degree. He’s so utterly self-absorbed that he can’t see the damage he’s doing to me, and his family, but ultimately, the person he most damages is himself, and that really upsets me.

I know I’m not perfect, by any wild stretch of the imagination. Perhaps I’m difficult to live with, but others have managed, and come back for more. But I am loyal and dependable. I do my best. Correction, I did my best. But whatever I did, I couldn’t make him happy, and I don’t think anybody ever can. People have said he adores me and dotes on me and that I’m the best thing ever for him, and he’ll miss me when it’s all gone, but it sure doesn’t feel that way.

I have done one good thing this month! Riding my bike to Hertford. See, I’m not 100% useless! There was that one, single positive thought in his otherwise negative head. I’ll let him hold on to that one, and not trouble him with the other positive things I’ve done. It’s of no interest to him anyway.

I just feel sad, and because he’s majorly fucked up  elsewhere too, we have to do a few more weeks of this. Although he’s away a lot. Then I can move forward and see what life holds in store for me once I’m through the grieving process. It’ll be a while I’m sure. You don’t just walk away unscathed after 9 years.

I’ve been very silly with food and wine over the last 6 months, and it’s time  to call time on that now. I want to get back to the me I was before Christmas in time for Christmas coming. I’ve been so unhappy, and it’s manifested itself in several not-so-good ways. But I can pick up where I left off.

We lost our way.

I lost my boo.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
tntnikkibint
Aug. 20th, 2015 06:51 am (UTC)
the issues are not yours. but you know this already.
I love you. I'm sorry you are hurting. if I could take all the hurt away, I would.

You aren't broken . You just need a proper rest to recuperate. Since your injury you get partly healed then run round trying to do everything all the time. Sit still for a couple of months and let yourself heal completely this time.

You aren't hard to live with. You are a wonderful human being, friend, and housemate. Living with you was one of the most fluid, rewarding, easy going times of my life.

You are a fucking STAR. Now don't you fucking forget it this time.

Edited at 2015-08-20 06:52 am (UTC)
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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maitressep
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