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Jul. 26th, 2015

So my heart is breaking. That doesn't matter as I shan't be needing it.

The weather is dire, Murphy shot in this morning and has been asleep on the bed since, Madge joined him an hour ago. That's my indication that it's gonna hammer down all day. So I'll just stay here.

Not really sure what to do with myself, so I'm doing nothing until I am. That could be a while, but that doesn't matter either.

People have been really lovely, but it makes no difference to how I feel.

The one thing I should've learned is that you shouldn't love somebody who keeps proving they cannot be trusted. I did, and that was my mistake. His mistake was thinking I'd keep putting up with the lying and cheating, like his wife did, literally from the day they got married. He's shown callous disregard to us both. The lack of remorse, apology and adult discussion is really upsetting, but I can't do anything about his psychological vacuums.

I compromised my own values and beliefs, for him, a great deal, and got shat on anyway, numerous times. I won't pretend to understand why a man needs to keep behaving like that, even after seeing the distress it brings and the stress it always places on the relationship.

I am choosing to believe that I was massively loved, because a lot of the time that's how it felt. We mostly had a brilliant time, with a few volcanoes on the way. But maybe I was just a convenient entree into the fet scene, a convenient partner and a convenient place to stay. But I need to beat those devils away from the door. I was massively loved, I'm sure of it. But now I'm not, and I need to sort myself out.

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maitressep
Call me Madam

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