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First my throat goes dry, really dry, and starts constricting. Then my heart starts pounding in my chest. It feels in a higher up place than usual. Breathing becomes quite heavy and raspy.

A few tears will leak out, a sniffle, but you keep thinking, "No, no, it'll be alright this time, I'm wrong this time".

Shaking, feeling distracted and curiously out-of-body.

Try to calm down a bit. A walk round the block, have a coffee. Try to regulate the breathing and stem the tears.

Deal wih a bit of work.

And then it's confirmed. Of course it is. It always is.

And the sadness and bitterness envelop me. And I droop.

And then the silly lies. Followed by trying to blame anything and everything else.

I'm left to wonder why I'm not good enough, what's wrong with me. But I know nothing I could ever do will ever make a difference. It doesn't stop the feelings of being dirty and worthless though.

And then you think "why go out of your way to bring me flowers, when you're merrily shitting on me"?

It's always the same.

And then I want to be alone with my sorrow and shame. Again.

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maitressep
Call me Madam

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