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May 6th, 2019


Today saw a gamut of communication failures, not by me. However, undeterred, we arrived at the free hotel for the evening. Where himself is still sound asleep. I am home, I decided to love myself and show myself the value and respect that I, and every woman, deserves.

Brilliant venue, absolutely loved it. Some I know, are offended by taxidermy, but not I. There's a lot of it, and it's gorgeous. I wore a PVC mini dress, corset, and wait for it...........heels, for the first time in years. I was so proud of myself!

We got told off for shagging in the couples room, which it then transpired was no longer the couples room. But it wasn't an issue as we managed it elsewhere too, LMAO! We are accomplished CCTV dodgers, although we did get caught the first time.

Good music, and a friendly crowd. Lovely to bump in to Squiggle, haven't seen him in eons. Had I been in Mistress mode, I would have given him a turn, he's great fun to play with. I remember Camden nights with Vamp and Monkey with a grin. Quite happy in switchy mode though, would have been more so if there had been more kit and dungeon space. But overall, a good event. I prefer things darker, but venues are so hard to source these days *sigh*.

The Fragile Male Ego

Needs a lot of care and attention, constant propping up, needs to be told how marvellous and amazing they are. It's easy enough to do, but there's a lot of putting up and shutting up involved. A ceasing of opinions and the gradual diminishing of self, in order to keep somebody else bright and shiny. A lot of men need an awful lot of bigging up.

Rod was always jealous of the attention I receive. It's something he's always craved, long before he met me. Hence the outlandish outfits and bizarre behaviour. It hasn't gone away, and probably never will. I genuinely always tried to include him, but he still sees himself as the handbag carrier (his exact words last night). That makes me sad. Mostly because if he grew a pair and actually said what he needed, and how he would like things to work, then there's something to work towards. Instead, well, just find somebody who's less impressive and less well known than me, and take them to exactly the same places, doing a watered down version of the same thing, and for a while, that will be enough. But not for long, as I've seen first hand. Not long at all.

If somebody says all their relationships were shit before they met, then the fact is, they are a shit judge of character. Rod laps all this up, being told he's the best thing ever. That's what he needs to hear, how great he is. He isn't one for tackling issues, especially if they involve any of his flaws, because he will flat out blame the other person for anything remiss in his actions.

I will never be the breathless and obedient person, willing to be his ego propper and stooge. I did try for a while, but you shouldn't have to crush yourself in order to polish somebody else. Everything he saw in me, the adventurous, bold, bright and out there person, I still am today. I don't have to copy anybody else. I'm the original.

He will push on, deviously trying to coerce people into accepting things that simply fit his needs. Such is life!

You love who you love, and that doesn't change.


Call me Madam

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