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January 27th, 2019

Yesterday was a day of very profound grief. I wept all evening, in spite of my delicious Goan chicken creation and good wine. So many tears. I looked hideous by the time I went to bed. And felt worse. The emotional wrenches I've been through over the last 2-3 all came a-visiting at the same time.

Today is all about stomping through fields, the company of good friends and dogs, a pint in the pub and chilli con carne.
Well, I thought going for a blustery country lanes n fields walk with the gang today, would chase the blues away. It did, as did a couple of glasses of red and a very fine lunch cooked by Pete, wedding updates and the lovely catching up with old mates. I really enjoyed myself, and that was after talking myself into going, I was ready to cop out all morning, looking for excuses. But I did it.

And then BAM, I got smacked in the face unexpectedly. So now I'm home alone crying again. Great timing. Just what I didn't need.

I cannot help loving. It's just the way it is. I can't change the way I feel. Maybe more on this when I feel more like talking, but I can't talk, or even write much.

So, organic red wine ain't all that nice is my first piece of advice. My second is, if you can be kind to somebody, do that. You never know what else they may be going through. I am going through emotional hell. I don't know what to do, so I'm doing nothing.

Me Before You

A very poignant film, possibly not the best thing to watch when you're already puffy eyed and blotchy. But I loved it.

I've always thought that death, when you really feel you can't continue any more is honourable. Doing it in a decent way, telling those you love, and making the appropriate plans, isn't suicide. It's due dilligence.

But life isn't like the movies. The officer and gentleman doesn't actually come and get the girl from the factory floor.

So, tomorrow is a new day, I'm out for dinner, and who knows what this wonderful life may bring me. I will be as happy as I can be. MissP, my cunning disguise, will be sparkling and sharp. Give the people what they want.

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maitressep
Call me Madam

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