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October 1st, 2018

I came out of the tube at Russell Square today, it was jam-packed, hot and airless as always. And just started crying. At the sheer horribleness of everything. Just misery. Abject misery.

As soon as I get into work, I find that a work dinner has been moved (for the 3rd time), so going to have to cancel Donna's birthday on Friday.

Got tix for Rubber Cult and the LFW Ball, not sure if I want to go though. Lots of friends going, so trying to buoy myself up.

I have dinner tonight with a friend, sort of. He's been lovely, though we don't know each other per se. When I've been up at silly o'clock, upset, he's taken time out to talk to me. Of course there's always the 2 hour report to do when you get home, but........

I am in dire need of some good news, or something fabulous to happen.

Oct. 1st, 2018

I spent my evening with a man, younger than myself. He's completely hyper, both mentally and physically. He struggles to contain himself. Or himself in the world, I'm not sure which. He has tattoos, multiple piercings, multiple body mods, has worked on and/or run sex parties (and other parties) for the last 15 years. He runs businesses, comes up with brilliant ideas, facilitates people, always has time for a fellow struggler, is a martial arts expert, sword expert, circus performer and all-round showman. Unusually for our circles, he drinks very little, drugs not at all, and almost always declines sex, unless there is emotional involvement. A very, very sorted, unsorted, wonderful human being.

He's also very polite, quietly spoken, but when you get him going, his eyes blaze. It's the best conversation I've had in a very long while, and I can't even remember all the topics we covered.

One thing that resonated with me is being beaten as a child. I wasn't. He was, and previous partners have experienced the same thing, with similar outcomes. Rebellion, being averse to rules and boundaries, feeling that if shit is gonna happen, you may as well earn it. Feeling that you're not lovable, or don't deserve security and happiness, because you're bad. And these things self-perpetuate. Except in his instance, it didn't. He's incredibly self-aware. He's checked himself, and instead of pushing people away, he draws them in. An incredible talent.

Another was using girls as show ponies, in BDSM clubs and at certain parties. Invariably, the females are doing this to impress/keep their Man (master. dom, as you will) and to keep him happy. At their own expense. He was very open about how abusive a lot of these relationships are, and how much men take advantage of the fact they know a woman will demean herself to please, which is sad, but true. It's a fact, there are girls that like multiple partners or being used in public. They are very few and far between, if we are honest. Most of my friends who are sub females, never play in public. They do it because that's what they are, not for public attention. In fact, in most instances, nobody would ever know. They do not have to prove themselves to their male partner, and in turn, their partner is happy with the quid pro quo, no need for a public show. I'm equating it more and more with knuckle dragging now. Oddly, it's the same with male subs, as males, they still love to show off in public in many instances. It was odd, and weird, hearing this from a male dom with many years of experience. I didn't think any of them would ever admit to it, although it's always discussed in female circles. He also told me about times he was openly compromised by females. That whole consent things surely does work 2 ways. Or not.

Anyway, happy to have been blown away by his openness, honestly and integrity. I actually feel quite humbled. And I can see that people like this DO exist, although rare as hen's teeth. I really do hope we can be friends.

My Take Away

Wasn't chicken chow mein :)

It was that we all have issues and demons, we are none of us perfect.

The ones that do better are the ones that sit down and tackle their issues, not skirt them, or elastoplast them. Or just move on, hoping it won't show up next time. Or just pretend it isn't happening, or it was somebody else's fault.

The crux here is open communication. I know I failed at this, because after several years of being cheated on, I just shut down. I failed, and am still failing, to live. I felt I had to make the love of my life go away, because I couldn't deal with his issues any more, or rather the results of them. He too failed, and is still failing to live. That's sad for both of us. Well, more than just sad, it's a travesty. But that's the way it is. He didn't feel he could open his heart to me after all of those years and all of the problems we tackled together. It's a shame. We end up with next-best, maybe. In my case, maybe not even that, because I am finding it hard to compromise. He'll be happy enough with whatever he gets, for a short period. He will always take the easiest route.

We plastered over the cracks, when we should have filled them with gold. Pollyfilla, not Kintsugi.

I'm really glad for the insights I got tonight. I am upset again, but in a worthy way. I am learning. And for that, I'm very grateful.

My dinner guest recently did the whole Camino Santiago, for about the 5th time. He's not religious. but found it spiritual and gave him time to think and introspect. I gleaned a great deal from him. Having walked just 5km on Sunday, and feeling my knees in pain, I realise, sadly that Kilimanjaro is out of my reach until my knees are done. However, there are shorter Caminos, 15-20km a day, and that is possible. Or cycling holidays, I saw a wonderful one in Puglia, where I really want to visit. This means checking in my vanity and doing something more tailored to what my knees find acceptable. Being realistic. Or I can just go on a photo safari to Africa, and say fukkit, I am enjoying myself and doing something I want to do. I don't need to show off or prove myself to anyone. I watched James Cracknell a couple of nights ago. Great guy in many ways, but he lives off near-death experiences, and is mostly very angry, all the time. Nothing will ever be enough for him. And I didn't admire him, I pitied him. He's the star player in his own nightmare. He knows what an emotional burden he is to his wife and family, but carries on, regardless.

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maitressep
Call me Madam

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