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September 9th, 2018

Sep. 9th, 2018

I've spent the entire night weeping.

|I have tried and tried. I decorated the house. I went on holidays alone, I went out with friends alone, I went to parties alone, to the gym alone, out cycling alone, shopping alone - and sometimes with friends, but mostly alone. I've made the effort.

I've been out on dates. I haven't taken to anybody really.

I have read books, I've eaten better, I've exercised more and drank less. I still get my hair done, keep my poonani hairless, put fresh sheets on the bed and oil my skin. I've done lots for other people, given to charity, coddled the cats and done the gardening. I lie on the floor practicing yogic breathing.

I have done everything I know to do. I have tried to keep myself occupied, I have tried to relax and I've tried looking for somebody else.

I am heartbroken. And I don't know what else to do to fix it or me. I don't even want to bother now, it's too much. I am stressed and upset.

I miss Rod, and I wish with all my heart we were together. It's really, really hard.

I know I will never find another love like that. And it kills me.
Got up early, did some housework and washing, clean sheets on the bed, and then did 20km on my bike. I wasn't in the mood for a bigger ride, and still pretty tearful. It didn't cheer me up, but at least I exercised and did the things that needed doing. So I am functioning, and that's good.

The I invited Phil over for a late lunch. Cooked up a wonderful slow roast lamb with all the trimmings. He annoyed me by being here (even though I invited him). In fairness, he complimented me lots, brought 2 bottles over and did everything right. It's not him, it's me. There's nothing wrong with him, he's decent looking, has money, drives a Beamer, holidays a lot, is very chatty et al. But I have no interest, and it's not fair to carry on with people if you don't have good intentions. So another one bites the dust.

I just feel utterly lost. Bereft. And there's no point in typing any more, because I'll just get more upset.

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maitressep
Call me Madam

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