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August 10th, 2018

Why?

Why does a man constantly choose to lie and cheat, even when,for the most part, he's getting what he wants? I've done a fair bit of research on this now, and a lot of the below resonates with the ways Rod chose to behave, and not just with me, with everybody.

Even in this country, boys are taught to relinquish fear, act like men when they are too young to understand what manhood even is, and to assume that role without the faintest idea of what masculinity is all about. In essence, they are taught a false masculinity, one based on the simple fact that they are born with a penis, which somehow entitles them to dominance and respect they haven’t been taught to earn.



As a male matures, his masculinity is validated simply by experiencing love, sex and dating, and that it follows exactly what he is being taught by popular culture, that a healthy male enjoys an abundance of sexual experiences and adventures.

He is looking for women to confirm he is a man. Often, one woman isn’t enough. The more desperate and insecure he is, the more women he needs to fill that gaping hole of his former masculinity.


If he is afraid enough, he will rush into a long term relationship simply because he fears being alone. For him it is better to secure a willing partner who is looking to settle down, than risk continued rejection from women. But, if he feels confident enough that he has choices, he will start to date for the purpose of seeing how far he can go.

Men who are dating for validation, often date to see who they can get. They simply need to know that she is interested, that she is willing, and that she will commit to him to feel validated. They don’t need the actual relationship, and there is no need to take it to the next level, because now that they know they can have her, it is far more important to see who else they can have. They date to keep score of how many women will make them feel needed.

He may enter a pseudo relationship and only stay to the point where he feels her attachment, and her confirmed interest in a relationship. But why stay? Now that he knows he can have her, it is time to see how many more women are willing to attach themselves to him.


These empty men who were raised with a sense of false masculinity, now truly have to prove they are a man. They were told by their mothers, their fathers, and their peers that a man is a man, and that is that. But 50 years later, he is bald, has grown a spare tire, and women no longer chase him. Now he must prove, that he has still got it. Now he must prove that he is that man he has always been told he is.

He is dating out of fear, not out of genuine interest in a relationship. He is hungry, in fact starving for a woman who can make him feel like a man. But if a man needs a woman to make him feel like a man, then, is he really a man? Yet, that hunger for validation is stronger than him. He is dating to prove something, and no matter how much attention he gets from interested women, and how much attention he buys from much younger women, nothing can complete an empty human being.

I hate to say it, but I often see women falling for men who make them feel most insecure. It is as if they too have to prove that they are still relevant, and by making him feel like a man, they concede precious time, and their self respect to him.



But a man looking for validation is just a starving dog. He will chase whatever moves, and follow any woman who pays a bit of attention to him. As soon as she throws him a bone, he is temporarily satisfied, and now wants to see if he can find a meatier bone. Unfortunately, the older a man gets, the more likely he is to be seeking validation. Younger men don’t need it, they are surrounded by it. But a man in touch with his mortality, will stop at nothing to prove what a man he is. And the only proof he needs, is your interest. As soon as he gets it, he will start looking elsewhere.

......................

In our psyche, we retain memories of feeling refused, controlled, criticized, rejected, abandoned, betrayed, and unloved. Even when we had decent parents and a relatively happy childhood, we felt these emotions strongly at times because of childish sensitivities. These negative emotions remain unresolved in our psyche, and we are compelled to continue to experience and replay them, even when that’s painful for us.

Sexual attraction is often a defense against realization of one’s self-defeating tendencies. For instance, a woman who is attracted to a self-centered man might claim in her unconscious defense, “”I’m not looking for the feeling of being unsupported and unappreciated—Can’t you see how turned on I get when he pays attention to me and makes love to me.”

Promiscuous individuals often have strong sexual attractions for others, yet their promiscuity is an expression of their self-degradation, produced by unresolved issues involving rejection, self-rejection, and even self-hatred. This individual’s sexual attractions and activities serve as defenses that attempt to “prove” he or she wants to feel loved, or at least an illusion of love, to cover up an affinity for feeling unloved.

The examples are endless. A man who had a cold, detached mother is prone to being sexually attracted to similar kinds of women. A woman who had a father who was passive and submissive to his wife can be sexually attracted to passive men. A man who had a dominating mother will tend unconsciously to seek out women to whom he can be passive. People who felt they were a disappointment to their parents will act out being a disappointment to their partners, or they will alternate between being a disappointment and seeing the partner as a disappointment.

After the initial courtship, the thrill of sexual attraction can start to abate, at which time the unrecognized emotional issues start to bring pain and suffering to both parties in the relationship.

Of course, we all want love and happiness. But unconsciously we are compelled to replay and recreate unresolved emotions from our past. To recap, until these emotions are resolved with insight and awareness, we are in danger of recreating unpleasant dramas in our present circumstances through which we relive the pain. In fact, we can be driven or compelled to pursue such dramas, all the while fooling ourselves with rationalizations that we are chasing after love.

Sex often serves as an antidote for low self-worth or as a means to perform or please, rather than as a genuine physical expression and extension of one’s love. Sex is also used as a way to disguise our inability to be intimate and to deny the alienation we feel from ourselves and others. When our hearts and bodies are closed to intimacy due to self-rejection, inner fears, and emotional conflicts, we need more extreme forms of stimulation to experience pleasure

...................

And this, apart from 5

https://www.heysigmund.com/when-you-love-low-self-esteem/

Aug. 10th, 2018

So two more dates this week, and although there was nothing per se wrong with them, they were not what I am looking for, whatever that may be. In all honesty, I wish I'd come home and put some more stuff on Ebay, that would have felt more productive!

I cannot envisage anybody else touching me. I don't want to be touched by anybody else. I want to rest my weary head in the crook of Rod's arm and let my hand slip down. That's where my heart is, although my head tells me no.

A lot of healing needs to be done.

Out tomorrow with friends :)

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maitressep
Call me Madam

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