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August 9th, 2018

You'll Be Alright.

Mum's too ill to come down (for months) - You'll Be Alright.

We'll get you a new brother - You'll Be Alright.

Plenty of women have babies by men they don't love - You'll Be Alright.

I had to have your dog put down - You'll Be Alright.

She's gone to a better place - You'll Be Alright.

I'll only be away for 9 months - You'll Be Alright.

You've got friends you can go with - You'll Be Alright.

People wonder why I am so fiercely independent and protective. It's because I was told my whole life.......You'll Be Alright. I was forced into being alright.

And so they made it my job to be alright. And I have carried out my duties, diligently.

But now it's time for somebody who wants me to be better than alright. Somebody who wants to love and protect. Who cherishes me.

But I'm not up for a search. Not at all. I am still very much grieving for the loss of the love of my life. At present, I don't see an end to this.

This sounds maudlin, but I've been on a brill night out with friends. Keeping things in perspective.


What a word!

I woke up this morning in a frenzy, having had very highly sexualized dreams. Rios, escapades in caravans on nudist camps, the paying voyeur and lots of other naughtiness. And I haven't been near xhamster! Possibly part of the late night conversation and gins last night, who knows, but it certainly woke me up happy!

Today has just whizzed by, I've been incredibly busy at work. No breakfast or lunch, thankfully I've got a large portion of leftover chilli to smoosh shortly.

Tesco's have just delivered, and I forgot to change things, arghhhhh, but never mind, it'll all get eaten. And I forgot milk, I always forget milk.

The fur monstas are indoors due to the weather. Fatso is content, Murphy is completely stir crazy and attention-seeking. I have to stroke him every two minutes. He's SUCH a fairweather friend though, I've barely seen him in the last month, other than me feeding him when he demands it, and him dropping off his "gifts". Dead bird just inside the catflap again this morning.

Currently reading The Keeper of Lost Things: The feel-good novel of the year! One of the books Erica gave me. It's a bit chick lit for my tastes, but quite lovely. That's where salmagundi comes from. I still delight in learning new things.

Today I cried. A little girl in Brazil made me cry, because she was so lovely. She sent me a wee video thanking me for something I'd done for her, and promising to study hard and keep in touch. She doesn't speak English, Bruno has been my translator. Why did I do this? I know someone who helps other people a great deal. Currently undergoing major mental health issues, but still has time for everybody else. I did it for them, and to help show that people do care.

The word salmagundi is derived from the French word salmigondis which means disparate assembly of things, ideas or people, forming an incoherent whole. Salmagundi is used figuratively in modern English to mean a mixture or assortment of things.

My life!


"This is Camila.

She's 8 years old, and she lives on the farm. She loves reading and writing. Economic realities being what they are, I always bring her lots of pencils and pens and notebooks.

Her job is to write the daily list of jobs for the farm, and sometimes she comes into town with me to make sure that everything I do gets crossed off properly. Yesterday's list had some spelling errors and wasn't very neatly written, so I've brought her into town with me and she's having a spelling and writing lesson whilst I take calls from clients in the UK.

Hopefully this'll in some small way expose her to the notions that her education is worth investing in; that work doesn't have to be in the fields or on a shop floor; that employment and life doesn't end at the next town over; that it;s worth learning other languages; and maybe even that she's worth being exposed to this stuff, even is she's a girl."


Call me Madam

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