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Apr. 30th, 2019

So, I walked to the station this morning, bag in hand in case anything went wrong. Full of trepidation, because the last experience was so awful. Nothing to eat or drink since the night before.

Arrived on time and sat around for three and a half hours in a waiting room. Morning surgeries hadn't even finished, some machine had broken down earlier. Talked with my surgeon, and in spite of carrying a letter that specified I was to have a general anaesthetic due to the last awful experience, he informed me that he had no anaesthatist and I could either cancel or just have a sedation to take the edge off. Given that it is a six month process on the NHS to get the surgery, I opted to go ahead, and promptly burst in to tears. I was so scared. I cried all the way into theatre.

It was pretty grim. The needles they use are huge, and they have to hit the nerve in order to kill it. So you lie face down, crying and writhing in pain. I did have the sedation, and an oxygen mask, but it doesn't do a lot to be honest. Anyway, it was done, and I was let out as soon as I'd had a coffee and a vile chicken and sweetcorn sandwich.

Rod came to meet me in the car, which I was hugely grateful for. We came home, I loaned him some stuff and he went out biking, and we played walkie talkie, whilst I cooked a roast. This may sound odd, but you need to keep moving. Tomorrow will be a horror, the pain will kick in big time.

I am reminded that I am not allowed feelings or an opinion. And was also reminded of a quote by the very redoubtable Dowager Duchess.....

“I was only going to say Sybil that is entitled to her opinions.”

“No, she isn’t, until she is married. And then her husband will tell her what her opinions are.”


And now I will wash up and clean the kitchen. Because very little has changed since the 19th century!

I do wish that people who accuse me of not talking, could resist the urge to flounce when I start to do so. It knocks me further and further back into myself. However, I do also respect the fact that I cannot be responsible for other people's behaviour. I used to torture myself because I always thought it was my fault, something I'd done, and that I should just try harder.

I am hoping to slowly lose the awful pain in my back over the next few days. Great hopes, as it has worked before.

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maitressep
Call me Madam

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