Call me Madam (maitressep) wrote,
Call me Madam

I'm Amazing

Had poetry published, aged 15, and got paid £15 for it.

Learned to play cello.

Partied with a few stars.

Jumped out of a plane (and loved it)

Bungee jumped from a crane over the Thames (and loathed it)

Hot air ballooned at dawn over Essex and Herts ( simply adored it)

Started and ran a successful Fetish Clubs at profit, albeit not much!

Kayaked down The Thames


Caved. Hated it.

Completed my closed water Scuba (even though terrified, irrationally, at this point)

Swam with dolphins (before I was educated, sorry)

Learned to sail and canoe at basic level.

Pitched my intelligence against that of the computers and algorithms, for cash, and won. (work related)

Slept in a tent outside the back of Tesco in Portsmouth and had the most fab night.

Done naughties in more places than you could ever, possibly, imagine. (This is a book in it's own right!). On a cross Channel ferry. In the woods in Spain, in the Dali Museum, up mountains in Italy. In a 5*hotel pool in Cambodia on Christmas Day. On beaches, under Gravesend pier, in gay clubs, on a snow covered car on a council estate. In bed with a few gays including my own boss, in a church - during service, in my office, in a broom cupboard - and got caught..........

Been the solo female at gay events, many times. Even the dirtttty ones. And I think, still, the only female ever in The Green Room.

Fire walked across burning coals.

Mile high club!

Learned to make my own fascinator.

Got a ton of heavily discounted meade to measure designer clothes, just because I'm me.

Lots of naturist clubs. One of which ended up in a sort of "private party" with a lot of badness! And the 80+ year old who played us at boules.

Cross dressing lovers.

Upped Snowdonia and Scaffell Pike. And bagged 2 Munroes.

Travelled all over the world on my own, with not a lot more than curiosity, a smile and a credit card.

Had my portrait done several times, by an exhibited artist.

Have friends so diverse it reads like a list from the job centre. Designer, croupier, trade unionist, anaesthetist, soldier, architect, market trader, train driver, wine importer, nurse, newspaper editor, shop manager, headmistress, cabaret artiste, and all wonderful people.

Launched and opened 3 hotels.

Saved a man's life when he had a hypo.

Bankrupted myself and came back at it with the highest possible credit rating.

Stripped and got on the table at Langan's to get our bill written off.

Campaigned very solidly for many years now, to get abattoir staff abusing animals, sacked, fined and imprisoned.

Looked after the ferals at the cat sanctuary.

Got a clit piercing.

Had a bit of cervical cancer removed, went home on the bus and flew to Spain that same night.

Watched sunrises and sunsets with no diminishing of awe for 30 years.

Sent my tablet to a young girl in Brazil, whom I will never meet, to help her escape the poverty and hopelessness she faces.

Sat with friends, helping them survive their darkest times.

Fucked gay guys in slings with my strap on.

Helped make Roland Rat's leather biker jacket.

Broke my own heart by making the man I love move out, because he simply would not stop cheating. That was the hardest. And it still hurts.

And so that's the end of my 6 sessions. It's been nice to talk to somebody, that's all I can say really.

I brought some Crimbo decorations on the way home. I may not have anybody to spend Christmas with, but fuck it, I'm having Christmas anyway.
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