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I have spent the last few months introspecting my anxiety and flaws. If you can't see them, you can't work on them, and then you become stuck with them.

Whilst being honest and upfront is a good thing, I feel I became too brutal and hurt other people as a way of masking my own hurt and loneliness inside my relationship with Rod. I became angry and aggressive. Worse after a second bottle. It is hard to deal with things when you have been made constantly angry. It also manifests itself in physical ways, my back gets noticeably worse, for example.

So, I have started to balance this in various ways. Cutting down on the wine was easy, and a diet boost too, so a complete win. Usually after a night out, I would come home and have more to drink. Tonight I'm sat here with a coffee, after having had 4 single G&Ts and a glass of red out. I am feeling calm and relaxed, after having spent a a night at a great event with lovely friends. There's very little conflict in my life at the moment.

I have had the opportunity to spend more time with friends. Cementing and building on relationships, sharing. Spoken to, and visited my 'rents more. Repaired the relationship with my lovely dort. That's incredibly important to me.

Dating has been mostly fun too. I haven't found my prince yet, but it's good to get out and meet new people. And of course to be appreciated and wooed. I'm still hopeful about somebody sweeping me off my feet again, but more than happy to have drinks with a few frogs until that happens. I do realise I'm a complete oddity dating-wise, and that it'll take somebody very special indeed to be my match. But I'm in no rush, and I won't settle for second best.

And my relationship with Rod has improved. He is a kind, generous and helpful friend. Qualities it's hard to see when you are being cheated on. But we are enjoying time together.

Having been ill all of this week, the house is in dire need of some cleaning. Plus of course the garden needs putting to bed for the winter. So I may pass up on the vintage fair tomorrow and crack on instead. Next week, I really need to get back to the gym, and start thinking about Bangkok stuff.

My homework is to come up with an essay on how amazing I am. It's not something I really want to do. But I can see why.


Call me Madam

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