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Anxiety

Now this is an interesting one.

I have always been an ebullient, loquacious, outgoing kinda gal. Large and in charge.

But now I have anxiety.

The chief cause of anxiety is repeated stress. Now, we know that my repeated stress comes from Rod's lying and cheating. I don't have any other stresses.

It has manifested itself in some bizarre ways. I now have a fear of heights. Years ago, I bounced across mountains in a Mini Moke, when I didn't even have a driving licence. Now, I am almost paralysed with fear when Rod is driving around mountains, because my trust in him is lost. I have bungee jumped, jumped out of a plane, been up in a hot air balloon and done numerous daredevil things. But now, going 3 rungs up a stepladder upsets me to the point of tears. Because I know there is nobody to save me.

I used to do 2-3 fet clubs a night, all weekends. Now, I need to have an entirely new outfit and I still feel like the old bag lady in the corner, despite the wonderful photos. That's what comes from being repeatedly told how shit MissP is. Although plenty of people are delighted to pay £150 an hour for MissP. If your loved one tells you it's shit, it sticks. Even when he's getting into clubs and events for free, on my name, there was no respite. Everything was boring and not enough for him.

All of my efforts for co-exercising came to nothing. He just didn't want to participate. Hey ho, I am still riding my bike and gymming :)

The planned date nights didn't happen, because he was too tired and stressed from work.

Attempts at diet were met with carb and fat loaded rotten corner bargains.

He hated everywhere I wanted to go on holiday. But never made a suggestion or organised something else.

Every aspect of me has been undermined as an excuse for bad behaviour.

I will always love my boo in my own way. I always thought he was The One. I still do, but the time has come to move up and make room for somebody who wants to appreciate me. And who knows, those anxieties may well disappear :)

Love n light xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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maitressep
Call me Madam

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