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My Take Away

Wasn't chicken chow mein :)

It was that we all have issues and demons, we are none of us perfect.

The ones that do better are the ones that sit down and tackle their issues, not skirt them, or elastoplast them. Or just move on, hoping it won't show up next time. Or just pretend it isn't happening, or it was somebody else's fault.

The crux here is open communication. I know I failed at this, because after several years of being cheated on, I just shut down. I failed, and am still failing, to live. I felt I had to make the love of my life go away, because I couldn't deal with his issues any more, or rather the results of them. He too failed, and is still failing to live. That's sad for both of us. Well, more than just sad, it's a travesty. But that's the way it is. He didn't feel he could open his heart to me after all of those years and all of the problems we tackled together. It's a shame. We end up with next-best, maybe. In my case, maybe not even that, because I am finding it hard to compromise. He'll be happy enough with whatever he gets, for a short period. He will always take the easiest route.

We plastered over the cracks, when we should have filled them with gold. Pollyfilla, not Kintsugi.

I'm really glad for the insights I got tonight. I am upset again, but in a worthy way. I am learning. And for that, I'm very grateful.

My dinner guest recently did the whole Camino Santiago, for about the 5th time. He's not religious. but found it spiritual and gave him time to think and introspect. I gleaned a great deal from him. Having walked just 5km on Sunday, and feeling my knees in pain, I realise, sadly that Kilimanjaro is out of my reach until my knees are done. However, there are shorter Caminos, 15-20km a day, and that is possible. Or cycling holidays, I saw a wonderful one in Puglia, where I really want to visit. This means checking in my vanity and doing something more tailored to what my knees find acceptable. Being realistic. Or I can just go on a photo safari to Africa, and say fukkit, I am enjoying myself and doing something I want to do. I don't need to show off or prove myself to anyone. I watched James Cracknell a couple of nights ago. Great guy in many ways, but he lives off near-death experiences, and is mostly very angry, all the time. Nothing will ever be enough for him. And I didn't admire him, I pitied him. He's the star player in his own nightmare. He knows what an emotional burden he is to his wife and family, but carries on, regardless.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
demi_x
Oct. 2nd, 2018 11:19 am (UTC)

Interesting blog, you are evolving x

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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maitressep
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