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Interesting

http://www.msn.com/en-gb/lifestyle/relationships/a-relationship-can-thrive-after-cheating-if-you-avoid-these-common-mistakes/ar-BBMZ6CH?ocid=ientp

An article about how relationships survive cheating. Mine did, many times. Too many times.

It says don't launch a campaign against your cheating spouse. And I didn't, until after about the 4th or 5th time. I was ashamed and embarrassed that it was happening to me, and I kept it mostly to myself, even friends don't know the early stuff to this day. But after a while, the internal rage becomes too much, when it keeps happening.

The author is of the opinion that somebody having an affair could be a turn on. It's not. It's the opposite. Especially when you are made aware that the cheating spouse is singing the same song to every rose on the way. That nothing either emotionally or physically was sacred. Him being with somebody else, without my knowledge or consent makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. It's horrible.

He's spot on about non-sex counting. It does. When the cheating spouse is joining dating websites, advertising for sex online and trying hard to have sex with other people, regardless of how successful or not it is, it's still cheating. The intent is there.

Lastly he said be compassionate. That's one thing himself never was. He was always at great pains to point out that his cheating was the fault of his partner (sometimes me, sometimes not) and not his own fault. There was no compassion, empathy or meaningful apology. Ever. And I'm pretty sure there never will be now. My hurt, my pain, goes unacknowledged. It always has done.

What nobody can tell me though, is how to stop loving somebody who's so atrociously behaved.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
melly_snm
Sep. 10th, 2018 02:55 pm (UTC)
xxx
I dont believe you ever stop loving someone.
Like when someone you love dies, you don't stop loving them on that day.
When a marriage, relationship or friendship ends, you cant just turn it off.

But it is like grieving, expect the person or persons in question haven't died.

You also regularly see the person who caused the pain or at least have a connection. The doesn't allow for the out of sight out of mind healing. Its a constant scab picking reminder of past good times, failings and questioning.

I think in time the pain lessens providing they are not part of your lives or you have a common goal like children you have to look after. Like any bereavement. It doesn't stop hurting but its not the primary focus.

Somtimes apologies never come. Sometimes people see the light way in future.
Its no reflection on you or anything you could have done or not done, its just the terribly hard fact that sometimes life is not fair.

Cheating is never because someone deserved it or its their fault, its a decision utterly and totally due to the person who decides to do it. Even in the worst of worst situations an affair or cheating is simply cheating.

Also btw - say this was a violent relationship that you were struggling getting over.. you might still love them but you wouldn't tolerate going back for more thumps or promote anyone staying because they loved them.

I think you need to repackage what this was in your head - almost a daily mantra in the mirror - its abuse. And its abuse to someone who loved them and then even worse convincing them its their fault. You wouldn't tolerate that for your friends and you would not say as advice to just put up with it cause you loved them.

But no magic wands I'm afraid, I wish I did for you, because whilst you are going through this you are surviving not living and thats about as far removed from the core of who you normally are
xxx

xxx

Edited at 2018-09-10 02:57 pm (UTC)
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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