Tonight has been all about the exercise and diet. Full gym sesh, 40 mins bike and 10,000 steps. Low carb high protein dinner. And a cheeky couple of gins with slimline, of course. I am currently number 323 in the gym ranking, having lost almost all of my points in my 3 month absence. Can I climb back up to top 50? Yes I can, and watch this space. I will also drop the weight gained on my 6 week long/two holidays and a 3 day wedding bonanza. And then some. I'm looking after me, because nobody else is.
This morning I was rudely awoken by awful, painful cramps in my calf. A while back, after Rod had moved out, he'd stayed the night, and we'd done the usual. The cramp hit and I was screaming out in pain at silly o'clock. He grabbed me and said "Don't be scared, I'm here". And he was. And talked me through it. Now I manage by myself. No strong arms or reassuring words. My shell gets harder ever day. Shame my calves don't.
To my horror, I have counselling booked for Thursday next week. I'm quite scared, I don't know what to say. For the most part, I have learned to be self-contained and insular. The spilling of guts left to the written word. Which hasn't always been right. But people, on the whole are hard to talk to. I just hope I don't end up crying and wailing. I hope I do find a way to communicate better, and dissipate the anger and hurt. I hope I find a way forward.
What will be, will be.
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