A few years ago, whilst being part of the management team at Kinkfest, I "saved a life". David collapsed not far from the door. People thought he was pissed, and stepped over him, I thought he was having a hypo, as he was never a drinker. I thieved a bottle of coke from the doormen's banned bin and chucked it down him. He said I saved his life, although I think that's a tad dramatic. He passed yesterday. He's in good company, James passed last week.

Tonight has been all about the exercise and diet. Full gym sesh, 40 mins bike and 10,000 steps. Low carb high protein dinner. And a cheeky couple of gins with slimline, of course. I am currently number 323 in the gym ranking, having lost almost all of my points in my 3 month absence. Can I climb back up to top 50? Yes I can, and watch this space. I will also drop the weight gained on my 6 week long/two holidays and a 3 day wedding bonanza. And then some. I'm looking after me, because nobody else is.

This morning I was rudely awoken by awful, painful cramps in my calf. A while back, after Rod had moved out, he'd stayed the night, and we'd done the usual. The cramp hit and I was screaming out in pain at silly o'clock. He grabbed me and said "Don't be scared, I'm here". And he was. And talked me through it. Now I manage by myself. No strong arms or reassuring words. My shell gets harder ever day. Shame my calves don't.

To my horror, I have counselling booked for Thursday next week. I'm quite scared, I don't know what to say. For the most part, I have learned to be self-contained and insular. The spilling of guts left to the written word. Which hasn't always been right. But people, on the whole are hard to talk to. I just hope I don't end up crying and wailing. I hope I do find a way to communicate better, and dissipate the anger and hurt. I hope I find a way forward.

What will be, will be.