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Courage Over Control

This is my new mantra. Having the courage to embrace what is there, rather than trying to control it. Allowing myself vulnerability. Accepting I will make mistakes, and be accepting that others do too.

I saw this on somebody's FB earlier, and I've spent the rest of the night really upset.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vnKPdMXIdo

This was our last 3 years, and if I am honest, it crept in before that. We are both extremely guilty of all of the emotional crimes illustrated in the clip. The clip is funny. But it teaches lessons.

We used to be so happy and carefree. I don't know what killed it. Domesticity certainly didn't help. In our case, he hoarded, so I became an angry hausfrau. It never got resolved. The lying and cheating ground me down. I tried to control it, but couldn't, and became an angry and suspicious person. It never got resolved. I get upset and eat and drink too much. It never got resolved. We went from friends and lovers to combatants. I tried to resolve everything with long emails, which was hopeless. I found it difficult to talk, and still cannot find my voice.

Lots of things to think about at the moment. None of them at all pleasant. It's 3am and I can't sleep. My brain just won't shut off.

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maitressep
Call me Madam

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