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One of the very unfortunate side-effects of having lived with somebody who thought it was fine to lie and cheat his way through 11 years with me, is the sad (I feel sad about it anyway) response I give when presented with new propositions. I react quite badly, I'm negative and see all the problems. I was never like that before, I suppose it'll take time for my self-righting mechanism to fully kick in. I don't mean to be like this. However, the cheating took it's toll, and when you've been on the wrong end of emotional abuse (and that's exactly what cheating is, as well as taking the piss), you tend to only expect more. Your opinion of the human race doesn't go up, it goes down. Your opinion of the world goes down. Your opinion of yourself goes down.

I now question everything, and assume the worst.

I assume people only want to use me for something. I have no reason to believe otherwise.

I think it's time to lower the portcullis and raise the drawbridge. And possibly fill the moat with man eating alligators as an extra measure. I don't want people to be with me when I am not myself. Especially new people. Or the ones understand what's happened, for the most part.

If you are a man, with a proposition for me, treat me with kid gloves. Make me feel loved and wanted, and most of all secure.

Meanwhile, I have my cats, and my new sofa, which is where I sleep most easily these days.

I had a grand afternoon with Chris yesterday, I went on his boat, which is moored in Broxbourne now. Followed by an extremely loooooooong lunch and cheese n biskwits by the roaring open fire. Absolutely splendid.

And there's still only one person in the whole world who thinks I'm quiet and don't converse enough.


Call me Madam

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