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The Projecting Struggle

So, post nana-nap, I am firing on all cylinders again, which is good.

I've muchly curtailed my agenda for tomorrow.

This is a reflection, which won't change anything.

Rod always feels really really wronged when it is him that's been doing the wronging. I think this is a really deep-seated reaction from a not particularly great childhood and formative adult years. His father used to terrorise his mother, and was pretty violent towards the kids too. He carries this sadness with him, and the "proof" that relationships don't work. Ergo, no point in really trying or putting the effort in.

He also got dumped, by the love of his life as a young teen. It wasn't the love of his life, it was just a girl. But he carried this, as an almighty burden, for 30 years. Oddly, he met her about 8 years ago. Debbie. He didn't much like her, but it didn't change the way he felt or behaved.

And being made homeless, by his own family, as a teen. I can't even begin to imagine how disturbing this must have been.

He's so incredibly righteous, in every way. He truly believes everything is my fault. Of course it was Janice's fault before that.

And all of this was projected on both of us. Neither of us deserved it. He poses with his cancer ridden wife, but he shat on her, relentlessly, the entire time he was with her, and left her 11 years ago. He's sorry now of course. But he wasn't at all in between. It was her fault in his eyes, just as it is mine in his eyes now. That's how narcissism works.

I will always love him. He was the one I think. But I can't live with him or his tawdry behaviour. But nor can he. And that's what it's all about.

I remember telling him, a couple of times, how much I was struggling. He cared so little, he didn't even bother to respond either time. I don't want people like that by my bedside when it's my turn to go.

Latecomers will not be admitted. If you weren't too bothered about me when I was alive, don't come a-running when I'm on my way out. We all watched that happen with foxxx, with great disdain.


Call me Madam

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