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Hors de Combat

I listened, very carefully, as to why I should have saved for the plans he admitted he never made with me. I listened whilst I was told that getting your hair and nails done is a waste of money, whilst staring at thousands of pounds worth of his bikes, sitting beneath hundreds, if not thousands of pounds worth of his clothes. And I listened to his ill-informed judgement on my Uber usage. He took and Uber home on Saturday. The new lady is not one for the night bus I guess, I always did.

I listened to why it's my fault for reacting wrongly to repeatedly being cheated on, and why it's all my fault anyway, because he was obviously missing something in the relationship. So he just went out and shagged other people, instead of discussing it. I didn't mention that I had missed loyalty, integrity or decency. Or even a heartfelt apology. But still managed not to go out and cheat. Even when he was away for months at a time with the TA or work, I still didn't. I decorated our home instead. I had to admit, I do have the habit of exploding here or on FB when he's fucked me over yet again. I expect sitting in the kitchen sobbing like Janice is better for his public image. Sweep it under the carpet. That sort of thing.

I listened (and laughed I admit) to him telling me that I would only want to be in charge of his Ebay and Facebook if we got back together. Anybody who's concerned about what their partner sees them doing on another website, is doing things to be concerned about. And he always was. I would be prepared to trust him - until he starts saying things like that.

I listened to his protestations that his friends and mine would consider us mad to get back together. Very possibly, but I don't live my life for the approbation of friends. I am unafraid of opinion. My friends would accept my choices, regardless of their agreeing with them or not. They are strong individuals. I'm guessing the TA guys would be more judgey, I don't know. I just know he's afraid of other people's opinions. I need somebody who's willing to stand up for me, be proud of me and he's not, so I didn't feel this was worth mentioning.

I listened to him telling me I shouldn't say I deserve treats. This isn't a point to argue, it's purely a matter of opinion.

I listened to him letting me know I'm not subbie enough. I can point him towards two people who'd disagree. Of course he only does BDSM to get his cock sucked, as he's told me many times. For me, it's very different and very intimate. I need to trust that person, implicitly.

I didn't say a great deal throughout really. Although I have plenty to say. We've had these "talks" before, where he tells me what an awful person I am. I'm used to it. Being talked at like a stupid kid and blamed for his shortcomings is nothing new. Janice had the same too.

Then he had to listen whilst I informed him that we are no longer friends and he no longer has a part in my life. This, surprised him.

I then cooked the lovely roast belly of pork I had brought for him, and ate it myself.

They say you shouldn't make decisions when you're upset and angry. But to be honest, I've gone right off apple sauce and I don't think I'll be having it again.

He's been advised not to keep looking at my LJ and Facebook, as it upsets him so. Let's hope his new, shiney life is interesting and engaging enough to keep him away from my scribblings.

Oh and Rod, next time you try and run with the hare and hunt with the hounds, aka, keep a relationship with me going whilst chatting up and shagging other people, suck your tummy in when you get your photo taken ;)

Ignis aurum probat

I've finished with Ms Oiliphant. Which pains me, it was a brilliant read. Dark and disturbing in places, revealing and devilishly provocative in others.

There are some psychological aspects I found fascinating, and I'll be doing some learning about those.

We are all flawed, and most of us damaged in some way. We just go through life hoping to meet someone who somehow manages to dovetail in with those flaws. And live happily ever after and all that.

I thought, for years, that I had. It transpires I hadn't. Loving somebody and caring for them are not enough. I recognise that I cannot be all things to one person. I had, and was prepared to make more compromises. Because idiot that I am, I still believe in love and all that old bunkum.

Our backstory, our adventures and our love affair are all meaningless now. But deny all you like, they're still there.

Silly girl that I am, I still hope, one day my prince will come.

Jul. 21st, 2018

Three years ago, we cycled naked round london.

Four years ago we watched a free film preview and then had dinner at the Oxo Tower

Five years ago, we were at BAFTA in fet wear.

Six years ago we were having dinner in Cosmoba with Lucy n Matt.

Seven years ago he was in Cyprus, I did the Cancer half marathon with Dale in London.

Eight years ago we were at the Midland Music Festival, bopping along to Aswad and Billy Ocean

Nine years ago, he called from a tent in The Alamo, and was disappointed that he couldn't talk durty as there were too many blokes around.

Ten years ago, rudey calls at 2am, followed by a day of car booting, gardening and film watching together.

Eleven years ago I was home hunting after getting notice to leave in Camden. We know how that ended :)

Jul. 20th, 2018

I have £43 left for the rest of the month. I completely forgot that I'd spent £400 on getting the blokes in to get the garden tamed. Oooops. Looks like I'll be dipping in to my holiday savings. That having been said, I've cancelled plans to go out with friends tomorrow coz I can't face seeing people, and on Sunday I was only going to do the garden anyway. Next weekend I had signed up for the Prudential London Bike Ride, but no bike means no ride. And I have a ton of food here, so maybe I can do it on £43 if I walk the mile and a half to the station and back each day. A sort of challenge!

Today was Jay, my boss of many years, 70th birthday. It was a lovely afternoon, lots of old faces in, and a great time. I struggled, because I felt so churned up inside. But I put on a happy face and celebrated with this fantastic man.

I've decided to come off Facebook et al for a bit whilst I try to regroup. Finding out you don't matter at all via Facebook is harsh.
Well, another little upset. Or rather, a very big one.

Browsing fetish photos on Facebook, I find one of Rod, playing with somebody, in a club on Saturday. He didn't mention he was seeing anybody else, even though we went out no less than 3 times last week. Including on Friday night, where his incessant phone fiddling was really rude, but now explainable. I know he's active on numerous dating and sex sites. And always has been LOL.

I too have been on a few dates, but I've had the decency to tell him each time. I don't feel the need to hide or sneak or lie by omission. Because it is what it is. What that is I've no idea.

It's been a very strange time. 2 weeks ago he was sending me cock shots. A month ago he was telling me he loved me. And ruder things.

We go out, we stay in, it's all cool. Sometimes we have sex, sometimes we don't. Invariably there is at the very least a kiss n cuddle, which is always great.

He blows hot and cold. I never know where I am with him. He never quite makes enough commitment to make me feel secure. I recognise that anybody who loved me wouldn't make me feel the way he does. He calls himself my boyfriend, and yet.......as soon as he thinks he can get his rocks off, he does.

And now I just feel very sad. Enormously sad. So I'll be keeping myself to myself for a while I guess.

I suppose people will think he's always been like that. But I was genuinely left with the impression, given a number of things, like discussing retirement and moving abroad, that he had matured and things were changing.

I'm just going to leave it and let him peddle his rose story. If he can't make any sort of commitment to me after 11 years, and everything we've done and been through together, he never will. It's a shame, because there was so much more left. But when you can't even manage a little common decency

*shrug*

Hopelessly in Love with Eleanor Oiliphant

She's amazing! So weird, and yet so natural. So me and so not me. I am enchanted by her and I am hanging on to her every word! I need to know what she does next, and of course, more of her back story. Simply adorable!

Delivery curry and bubbles in the garden with Joe last night. Non-stop convo, all sorts. So chillaxed, loved it.

This morning's hilarity was me attempting to get on me bike, in a wiggle dress. It ended up around my waist of course. What a sight, hahahaha! I shouldn't be riding it, no brake and constantly flat tyres. But no chance to get it fixed for another 10 days due to outings, hey ho.

Work delightful.

Giddy With Delight!

Today has been almost unbearable heat-wise. This afternoon, I was simply sweltering in my hot pink underground cave. And the journey home was DIRE. Although lots less communters than usual. Did World Cup hopefuls take a day off when they thought England might've been in the finals on Sunday? But it was so, so hot. I had a seat all the way, tube and train, but the sweat was just dripping off everybody, urghhhh. And two weeks before any rain is forecast. Yet again tonight I've doused my poor, parched garden. To not much avail :(

I've been thinking about decorating my bedroom. However, an impossible task I fear, as there's am lot of heavy furniture in there, and no where to put it. Plus, the stuff that needs Ebaying will take a year. I kid ye not. But.......I can make it better, so I am mini tasking myself with this leading up to the Thailand holiday in November, and MAXI tasking myself afterwards.

Nix has sent an updated spreadsheet of "to do's" in Bangkok, and I love it. Not only do I love it because it's crammed with things *I* like to do, it's also kinda nice letting somebody else do all the organising and planning. I've had all the responsibility for years and years, now I don't, and it's ace!

So what's making me giddy with delight? Louboutin shoes, a villa in the Maldives, a lottery win?

Nope.

IT'S AN OLD BASHER KEYBOARD WITH KEYS I CAN BANG PROPERLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOATHED the stupid, flat keyboard that came with this HP all-in-one PC, which itself is a pile of crap anyway. They took away my basher keyboard at work too, for a modern, slimline wannabe version. I cannot type at any speed on either, I make numerous spelling mistakes, which I get too hacked off to correct (due to mis-hits) and so this, is the Rolls Royce of proper, basher keyboards. The keys fully depress, and I can bang away to my little heart's content!

Thank you Rod, too perfect!

Yay!

Feeling surprisingly frisky, bearing in mind I was drinking Prosecco chez Jane's in Kent from 3 til 10.30 yesterday afternoon. And what a superb afternoon it was! Her 2 lovely boys and husband, her parents, Kate and myself, sat in her fantastic garden, and superb house, enjoying the good life. Max BBQ'd the food, Oscar the French Bulldog licked my knees all afternoon, the bubbles flowed as freely as the chat and laughter, so a perfect 10/10.

Also saw my parents, who are fine, albeit rather hot, and my dort was there for the first hour. En route to an Eminem gig at Twickers. I got her a freebie at my hotel last night, so she and Matt didn't have to try to get home, it's too far on a Sunday.

Dinner with Joe tomorrow. I guess I really ought to do some housework tonight, it's too hot the gym.

Jul. 15th, 2018

I woke up with the cats surrounding me this morning. And decided to not do all the things I had planned for today. Instead, a lie-in, then up, several coffees, and I found myself in the garden, with bacon rolls. Not doing the gardening I was supposed to be doing, just contemplating life. Trying not to see all the negatives and emptiness.

Then I went for a nap.

This evening I cooked up the last of the BBQ food for dinner, did washing, hung my new picture and sorted the armoire out. Brakes aren't fixed, and I didn't get to the gym. But I did motivate myself enough to at least do something.

Tomorrow I'm down to Kent to see the dort and parentals, and then catch up with Kate and Jane, which will take my mind off things for a while. That's if I get up. Having slept so much today, it's now gone midnight, and I'm not even vaguely tired.

Loving someone is awful. Just awful.

A Quiet Acceptance

When I met boo, I met my match. He was everything I'd ever looked for, and more. But he lied and cheated. He lied and cheated to his wife and family for over 20 years and to me for over 10. Something happened last week, even though we are *technically* not together, big LOL, to confirm that he's still a compulsive liar. He can't stop himself, and I've seen that for years now. I don't even have an issue with it now, I just take it as a given that he lies half the time at least. It's a long time since he made a fool of me. If he wishes to continually make a fool of himself, that's fine. If you're older, greyer and fatter, you may as well round it off with stupider. No harm done in the big scheme of things. Being untrustworthy is a choice.

All that aside....Getting plenty of date offers. But no "matches". And I don't think there ever will be.

I don't own a property, because I always thought Rod and I would make a life together. We didn't, he prefers to be dodgy.

I'm too old now to emigrate for work.

I have elderly, and frail parents here. Their wellbeing is absolutely paramount to me. They chose me. I will chose them. I do not, and will never believe in parenting on your knees, Doing everything your child wants. Nor does my daughter. Job well done, tick!

As an adopted child, I have struggled my entire life, to feel safe and secure. At 52, I still don't. nor do I see it on the horizon. Such is life I guess.

So I am making enquiries, as to long term pans for retirement. America is sunny and cheap. Who knows!!!

Still the optimist :)