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It’s been mixed Sunday!

I woke up with Fatso as the sun was rising, feeling pretty good. Post multiple coffees, I set out on my bike, with some trepidation, due to my knee, but wanting to give it a try. Much to my surprise, I found the flat easy, easier than walking, so ended up doing 30km. I would have done much further if I hadn’t been alerted by Lucy to Dad being in huge amounts of pain, not getting attention and being put on morphine. So back I went and sorted that out. He doesn’t want to make a complaint at this stage.

They think the leg issue is to do with arthritis and not being mobile, he had an MRI this morning as still no diagnosis on his kidneys. No sign of him getting home yet either 

Further convos with him, Mum and Lucy. Mark went up to see him, which is great. But Mark is off to Croatia tomorrow, so that’s one less of us.

It’s quite stressful trying to deal with one disabled parent, one immobile parent in hospital, Social services, the hospital and ping pong info between various involved parties.

I sat a while in the back garden with my book, in the sunshine, but found I really couldn’t settle, so had a bath instead.

Boo came, we dined, binge watched 3 episodes of Drag, none of which were as poignant as the first, but still good, and had blood orange gin, which is on special at Tesco. He’s the sole reason I’ve slept in the bed for a week! He’s also offered to help me if needed, which is lovely. I’m not very good at getting help though. Or being looked after. I would like to be looked after, but I’m 53 now, and realistically, I don’t think it’ll happen. He said I hide behind a mask. I don’t really think I do, leastways not intentionally. But I’ve become accustomed to getting things sorted for such a long time, and looking after other people, maybe its second nature now. Maybe somebody will, you never know…..



Odd request last night, Whats’app, “Can I bury Chris in your garden”. I assumed it was a wrong person scenario, but it transpires Chris was her hamster. I said yes, so long as she’s prepared for the foxes to dig the poor bugger up.

Content but parentally anxious. I think. Dunno.

Work busy, Ebay doing well, and a few interesting things on the horizon, although I am basically just concerned about my parents for now. Don't have time for much else.

A Very Trying Day

Call an Uber to go to the station, 12 minute wait, but no worries. Get cornered by next door who tells me all about his colostomy bag and bowels, so at least I didn't pass the time bored.............

Get to the station, no trains from Platform 3, engineering works, so over the bridge and of course the train was late and there's a longer cross over to the Vic Line from Tottenham Hale than at Seven Sisters, but anyway, manage that. Victoria Line, 7 minutes wait for a train, it's rammed, have to stand. Eventually get to Ebbsfleet and Uber on to Darent Hospital. Pop in first to see friend Jane, who has encephalitis. Nowhere to be found on the ward. Later find out she checked in under her married name, and checked out yesterday. So that's the second person in 5 days I've visited in hospital, who hasn't been there!

Dad has improved. But he still can't get about unaided or dress himself. He's off the drip and has a permanent colostomy bag fitted. Renal specialist not back til Monday so no further updates til then. Care package not arranged because no news from the renal guy. Get a message from Lu to say Mum asking where I was. Mum was told by me yesterday I would be there when I got there and was visiting Dad first, tell Lu I'll leave now and be there in half an hour. Get another Uber to Gravesend.

Visit with Mum starts off badly, and mostly continues in the same vein. She's heavily in denial, is telling different people different stories, being mean spirited, self-centered and just ghastly. I set her up with Tesco online, her food is being delivered tomorrow and she now knows how to do online grocery ordering, so that's a plus. By the time I left, she was a lot calmer and happier, I was the opposite. It is going to be a real battle with her.

Uber down to the market, meet up with Kate, thinking I can get rat-arsed and have a good time. Kate going to France at 2am, so that's a no-go. My fault for not checking first though. Have a chat and a laugh wither her and Nik though, so that's good.

Walk to the station, and by this point I am breaking. Sorely tempted to just Uber home, but get the train back to St Pancras and do the reverse journey home.

Open bottle of rose and hyperventilate whilst contemplating matricide. Speak to Dad to warn of impending doom.

I have to say, again, how proud I am of my dort. She has been the absolute BEST, visiting them both daily, with no car and not so much money. I am so, so proud of her. She has turned out to be A Very Good Human indeed.

Fridge Freezer stopped last night, and again whilst I was out today. So that may need replacing. Fingers crossed it doesn't.

Boo tomorrow. I may attempt a bike ride. I'll see how I feel in the morning. Today has really wiped me out. This bloody knee is painful and it aggravates when I try to do loads. The grass needs mowing and the housework needs doing, but I care not a jot!

A Night of Rest!

Last night I was supposed to be at my assistant's leaving party. Instead I stayed for a G&T, headed home, and got straight into the bath. I got into my snuggly jammies, despite the 23 degree heat, and stayed on the sofa. Just resting. It's been ace, I think I've had about 6 hours sleep, the most in almost 2 weeks.

This morning me knee has gone down a little bit, and feels more flexible. Today is going to be a bit ghastly. I have to get from here to the Post Office, there to the station. Station to Seven Sisters, there to St Pancras and train to Ebbsfleet, taxi to hospital to visit Dad. Also to discuss the "care package" as nobody seems to know anything about it. Then taxi down to Mum and sort her out and stay with her for a wee while, and repeat the journey home. Lucy is having a very well-deserved day off.

This is really going to test my knee, my mettle and my patience. Waiting for the rain to pass before I get dressed.

Running On Empty

But this is where it kicks in. This is where my spirit animals - my loyal and faithful Labrador, my strong but deadly Polar Bear and my resilient, resourceful and very hard-working Donkey, kick in.

It is gone 10, I have just ordered a pizza cuz I have been talking to Mum, Dad, Dort and Bro all night, and most of the day too. All week in fact. Lucy has been beyond brilliant. She has exceeded every possible expectation that a mother could have. I now need to step in, or hobble in, as I am struggling myself.

I will go to the hospital on Saturday and then stay with Mum a bit, Lucy is done in, she needs time off. Mum is gradually accepting that there will be biiiiig life changes. Dad is just Dad. He's been great. He now has a permanent catheter, which is a good thing, no elderly gent wants to wet himself. But he is still not mobile and may not be for a while. Mum is super-resistant to Social Services, but we have finally persuaded her it's a good thing. He can't dress or wash himself, she's only got one leg. It's a recipe for disaster without help. He is currently not able to drive. Mum needs to learn how to get to her appointments, use a mobile and do online grocery ordering. I'm on it. Lu's on it.

Dad is imobile and weak, that can be catered for, but she needs to see how bad he is to let that happen.

House is pretty much adapted since Mum's leg was amputated, that's a good thing.

Mum is shellshocked, she's 80, I get that. Dad just wants to rest, I get that too.

Sun's up. Message from boo, he's on his way back almost. I will be so happy to see him.

The endless messaging between me. Mark, Lu, Mum, Dad and various agencies has been really tiring, and of course a lot of it can only be done when I'm at work, due to the hours.

I can walk, albeit not far an not without pain. X-ray results next week. Saturday is going to be hard on me. But they deserve it. Uber is going to be my friend!
So after a long weekend of unwashed, filthy happy hippyness, back home to start sorting out what happened to Dad.

It transpired he had 2 falls on the Saturday, but managed to get himself up. On Sunday he had a third and simply could not, and he's almost 85. He tried calling me for a while - on the TV remote control and complained I wasn't in. Mark arrived, and decided to call an ambulance, they decided to take him to hospital, which is where he's been since Sunday.

He has a serious bladder and kidney infection, although no blockages according to the ultrasound. He's dehydrated, although now drinking water and on a drip. Antibiotics for the infection and blood thinners to prevent clots because he's immobile. He literally cannot get in or out of bed or stand or walk unassisted. He's very, very weak.

I hit the roof when I went to the hospital yesterday, he was sat there in a nappy! Fucking lazy cunts. I read them the riot act very calmly and explained that they would be doing exactly what I said would be done in order to not get sued. They argued and said they were too busy and short staffed, so I started clicking away and remarked upon my 100% success rate when dealing with complaints and legal matters, again, very calmly, but succinctly. Two minutes later, everything was being done. The old boys and girls on the ward started shouting "it's about time" and chimed in with their issues, all of which I will be forwarding to PALS, as I will be starting a formal complaint. Not only do they leave them around sat in soiled nappies, I saw a porter take a chap to the toilet and left the door open for all to see, drugs have to be begged for, appointments are not kept and all the staff keep saying is that they are too busy to help anyone. The ward is acute, so that's just not good enough.

Anyway, today he had a permanent catheter fitted. but no sign of coming home yet. He wants and can afford a gardener and cleaner, Mum's having none of it, so that's another battle for me to sort out. He's still exhausted, he doesn't want to go home yet.

In between I am keeping my brother and dort updated on everything, and vice versa as both Mark and Lu have been in to see him today. Lucy has been an absolute diamond, she's cooking Mum meals, sitting with her and sorting out her pills daily. Plus going to the hospital. Mark has been good too, but yesterday he was at Winchester as his dort was graduating, Emily got a 1st class hons, which is brilliant.

All notes photographed and whizzed thru to Lin, who's in Rottnest in Oz, for a layman's translation, bless her. All 15 pages! I am happy with what she's told me.

I will have to go there at the weekend. My own knee has ballooned, and has now spread down to my foot and I'm limping and in a lot of pain. Docs in the morning, but parents need help and that's more important. I can rest when I'm dead!

As a funny aside (well, almost), my Mum told me my aunt Karen was also in hospital, having a knee replacement, and that my cousin had popped in to see Dad that day. So I brought my aunt a bunch of flowers and though I'd pop in on the way to Dad's ward, to reciprocate. Only to be told she wasn't on the register and never has been (after me insisting she was). I later found out she's at a different hospital, Mum didn't mention that bit. Gave the flowers to Dad who gave them to the night staff, whom he said were nice.

Multiple, multiple calls to Mum, Dad and various. Oh and work and 2+ hours commute each day of course, on seriously overcrowded, hot trains. Yesterday I spent almost 6 hours travelling.

I'm really stressed TBH. Only gym/cocktopus and poo pix and cats keeping me sane. I feel very tired and it's only Wednesday.

I came home planning to have a bath and go to bed. But I've watered the garden, done some washing and I feel much more chillaxed now. Having the cats (who are admittedly sometimes very annoying) and my brightly painted lounge, and my mad garden and my sex-smell sheets is goooooood to come home to. I don't need to cook as we had a VIP meeting at work today and I've scoffed a lot of bacon rolls and double choc chip cookies. Not a great diet, but saves cooking!

I've neglected friends as family things need seeing to, and I can see that continuing for a few days.

Very Happy/Anxious/Tired

So what a brilliant weekend. Most of which I can't tell online!

I was collected at lunchtime, Santi bagged my flickering light garden torches, loaded up my stuff and off we went. Alison is somebody I vaguely know from Rumpus and Neon, Davide a lovely half black/half Italian chap who makes facial prosthetics for the movies/TV and plays guitar, and we all chugged along in a stealth matte black kangoo, back full and roof loaded. Pit stop for KFC and coffee.

Passed through chocolate box Cotswold villages, and Woodstock, into David Cameron country. Arrived at Rollright, literally where the stones are, and got a big welcome from the promoter, who hugged and kissed me like she's known me her whole life, and got wristbanded.

Gobsmacked by the view. It has been described as the best view in England. I'm not arguing. Breathtaking.

Santi is an accomplished camper and outdoorsman. Camp set up in no time. I got a large tent you could stand up in, a pillow, 2 blankies and a huuuuge faux fur tiger. Sameish for him, Alison set up on the other side of the car and Davide just behind. Communal area with awning, stove, flooring, chairs and my contribution of cakes, cold meats and cheese. Out come the beers and wine, Santi opens up his Bloody Mary Suitcase (this is an actual thing) and started mixing. Various friends come and go, we head out to the festival. There's a main stage and Lizard Lounge. Performers everywhere. People selling handmade goods everywhere. Secondhand and vintage everywhere. Food everywhere. Our camp is close enough to go back every time a drink was needed. I wore a tankard on a clip attached to my combats, and it was heavily used. Kids in onesies careering about everywhere. Santo plays with as many as will take him up. Literally everybody and anybody chats to you. It's so hippy. I wander off from the others, and 2 young gorgeous girls take up dancing with me. They offer me substances, which I laugh at and decline. They really don't care, and I feel arms snake round my waist, and we dance and kiss in the tent.

I have a lot of wine, and a lot of the 'erb. I love everybody. Gradually we all return to our camp and end up sitting around talking shit until we are too tired to sit. There's a bloody loud doof doof tent just behind us, but I fall asleep anyway. One wake up where I poke my generously proportioned arse out of the tent for a wee. The toilets BTW are deep ditches with wooden cubicles and loo seats perched on top. By Sunday morning, downwind wasn't an option.

Saturday, cake, cheese and meats for brekkie, with Davide strumming us on the guitar. Santi trying to cajole us into doing something, which was just hilarious. We head back into the festival arena, and each of us does our own thang for most of the day, which was lovely. I peruse all the clothes, do a yoga class, indulge in the cuddle puddle and just enjoy the totally relaxed atmosphere. We all head back to our camp - named Camp Bricks That Talk Back, for Santi reasons, have a drink, chat and head off again. Alison changes into a fab hippy skirt and corset, I leave it till the evening. The boys don't bother. Various peeps come and visit on us. More BMs and wine and beer. Intermittent naps.

In the evening, it's band time. Saturday's music was excellent, the highlight being Tankus The Henge, bloody brilliant. The atmosphere was fabulous, so many people chatting to each other, complete strangers. And then on to the various camp fires. More chat with more random strangers, but much more meaningful.

On Sunday morning, Alison and I both woke up at around 6. It was bitterly cold, we sat wrapped up, and just gassed until 10. I've had some really good talks with her this weekend, and she messaged me to say she hopes we become good friends, which was lovely.

And then I got a message to say Dad ambulanced to hospital. We abandoned plans to leave mid afternoon, Santi broke camp and packed up the car in record breaking time, and off we went. We had a serious near-death experience on the way back, 5 people in the car, the back completely full, and the roof piled high, we swerved across all 3 lanes and back several times, it was fucking frightening, but ultimately we weren't hit. And home to start sorting Mum and Dad stuffs out. Lucy has been a star, more about that soon.

Jul. 12th, 2019

So I am packed. I pair of leopard print shorts, 2 plain t-shirts, leather leggings in case it's chilly. Linen dress. Silk cocktail dress. Yes, silk cocktail dress. If we are going to have a cocktail party, then I will dress appropriately! Teamed with this.



No doubt tomorrow morning I will completely change my mind.

Two more people in the car now, so I am dealing with getting everything I need into the smallest trolley bag, and that includes a towel and toiletries. And a copy of Shantaram, which is a big book.

Tesco was 2 hours late, which kinda threw my planned schedule out tonight. But I am as ready as I can be. Mostly.

In minus news, my feet have swollen in the heat. In worse news, I had to inspect my own poonani tonight. And guess what - I have an actual mozzie bite on my poonani! This is due to me wandering about in just a t-shirt no doubt. Bring out the Stop-Itch!

Today I am feeling much better. Partially due to deciding I am me, and partially due to a peace offering photo, and partially due to being chatted up by a couple of intriguing gentlemen. Partially due to a couple or three good Ebay sales and partially due to a couple of nice glasses of red this evening. And partially due to Santi buying me a special treat we discussed and just having 3 days off to enjoy. I may not even take my phones.
We did a runner from the flamenco, like two naughty kids. The male dancer was excellent. The guy who played double bass and tapped out the dance on his instrument was absolutely awesome. Most of the music was just noise to us though.

In the pub, we planned the weekend, as in decided what time we were coming and going. I thought it was just us, turns out there is a tribe. We are apparently throwing a cocktail party. The tribe are all 20 years younger than me and all creatives and very party/festival people, so now I am feeling even more anxious. I am middle aged, fat and boring. I'm quite worried about this. He isn't. I did try to wriggle out of it all, to be told "but it's our holiday".

I don't know what started it off, but apparently I am disgustingly hetero-normative for only giving necrophilia a 6/10. The male was the dead one, the girl used his fingers. That's just not sexy! However, conversation in the garden stopped, so that they could earwig us. There should be more conversations like this.

On the walk back, we passed by the stage door and peered in. The stage guys invited us in, and so we ended up having a stage/backstage tour and explanation from the horse's mouth, so to speak. That was cool.

I have reflected on Nikki's comments on my last post. They are true, but I am also at fault, and apologised straight away. I do over-share, this is true, and I will be more circumspect where some people are concerned. However, I will not be bullied or censored. To those who don't like what I type, then please don't read it. That is your choice. Yes, I am erratic. I am also the most loyal and trustworthy friend most muthafukkas will ever have the privilege of meeting. Yes I do delight in business class, because I can't afford to travel that way with my own money, to me it's a big treat. And yes I do have bizarre convos with my more eclectic friends, and they amuse me muchly. I happen to like warped minds and mad chats, they detract from the ordinariness of day-to-day life. And harm nobody.

I love my home, my job and my small circle of friends. I do my best to enjoy everything. I am quite a difficult person I suppose, not by choice. I had an odd childhood and ended up being quite a solitary and self-sufficient soul, again, not by choice, but I'm long used to it now. I have many problems, but I'm blessed too. So I gloss over the problems and count the blessings. Always the optimist!

If I send a really poorly worded cry for help, it has taken me everything to do that. I don't freely ask for help, I'm the one that does things for everybody else. But I hear and I won't trouble anybody again. People who say I don't talk and then say I talk to much are right on both counts.

I'm just a person making their way through life. It's fine not to help me. It's not fine to tear me down. I am ridiculous, preposterous, outrageous and honestly, just not right in SO many ways. Not loveable or admirable, I don't earn a fortune, or have the best of anything, but I do make the best of everything. Or at least try to.

Don't worry be happy.
I feel wretched. I can't cancel tonight because the person I'm going with needs support more than I do, so that wouldn't be fair. I hope it's emotional, and then my tears can be attributed to my Latin temprament and soul.

I don't know what to do about the festival now. I really don't want to go. I would rather be at home this weekend and not see people.

I am going to make a real effort to not post anything at all about myself or my life on here any more. I didn't realise it was seen as validation or approval etc, I was just me being me, and that clearly isn't good.

Meanwhile, if you get the opportunity to be nice to somebody, do that. You have no idea what burden they may be carrying, or how badly they feel.

And this https://thoughtcatalog.com/becca-martin/2016/07/read-this-if-you-say-im-okay-because-you-dont-want-to-be-a-burdon/

Freak Scene

Last night was a blast, Eben on tip top form and still killing me with his political anecdotes. he's always fun to go out with.

Freak Scene was good, although expensive, glad to have 50% off. The food is beautifully presented, but alas very small, although it is supposed to be a small plates dining experience. Great service, the guys behind the bar were very engaging. Then on to Ku, which was actually completely empty when we got there. That's a first! I think much of Soho was still slumped post-Pride weekend!

Tonight I'm off to see flamenco at Saddlers Wells with Santi. Nobody ever wants to see flamenco with me, but he jumped at the chance. And freebies too, all good :)

Still haven't sorted out stuff for the festival this weekend, it'll have to be a last-minute jobbie on Thursday evening. So-so weather not helping, but at least it's allegedly not going to rain. Really looking forward to it now.

The legal matter I was helping with is going to the Police this afternoon, I'll wait n see what happens. I think it's probably just a bunch of girls being cunty, there's nothing at all to substantiate any of it so far, despite invitations and opportunities.

Several friends having a really rough time of it at the moment. I'm going to attempt some cheersy-upsy and love.

David has found my FB profile LMAO! I am OK with that, he's being very complimentary, and I'm certainly OK with that. And it's a lot better than being told how I should be behaving. I'm not very good at behaving I think. I should try harder to keep quiet and fit in.

Apparently I'm impressing people, so jolly well done me. No idea who or why or how, so if you are one of those people, do tell me, I could always do with something to make me smile! I get a lot of criticism, some praise would be lovely. Meanwhile, I shall don my magical cape of invulnerability and crack on!