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Aug. 21st, 2017

Hello foxxx, hope you're well. And that death hasn't diminished you too much.

I know I've had a couple of major asks of late.
And you haven't pushed through.

Respecting your decisions, but we need to have chat lovely.

Can't do tonight or tomorrow, too emo. The usual will suffice x x x


Will ever know me.

Boo came pretty close in 2007/8/9/10 and then failed, miserably. I probably won't be that close to a human again. But absolutely no regrets.

Je ne regrette rien. I had the BEST time. And this evening I shall leave you with Edith Piaf. My Dad's favourite. apart from that bird with humungus tits, if I remember, I'll edit this post.

You can Google and get plenty of "je ne regrette rien" choons. I personally I love La Vie En Rose, which was covered, shall we say "somewhat differently" by Grace Jones, many years later.

People think I don't listen to music.

More fool them.
6 foot 2 of ex Grenadier Guards and current Met Police. Tall, broad shouldered, good bod, soulful eyes, and a perfect gentleman. Picked me up, opened car doors, paid for dinner, brought me a treat. The sort of arms I would readily fall into.

Had a genuinely lovely night, non-stop banter and flirting, lots of laughs. Good fun. An absolute tonic. Just what I needed really.

But.......he's too nice for me. To subbie probably. I feel we are not sexually aligned. I am fat, fifty, feisty and fecund. I am juicily ripe and delicious. If anything, rather than shrinking away from things sexual and intimate, I am discovering that's exactly what I want. That, and a man who is my equal, not my subbie. A man who can hold his own with me. I don't care if they are dom, sub or nothing, the attitude is everything.

I think I'll phone Hungry House and order a large helping of Rod, with the irascible fun that was Douggie, with Jon's cock and the loyalty, steadfastness and honour that was Lee. A side order of Guy's supremely dominant, yet in a casual way, alpha, and a dollop of Juan's ability to be in the right place at the right time with the right people. No, I don't want fries with that, I much prefer spicy noodles, thank you.

I'm a little bit disappointed, but a good night for my first date in 11 years, and I'm proud of myself for going. It took a lot of braves, I can tell you.

My profile needs a re-think, it's far too throwaway and doesn't express me terribly well. But what am I? I am a complete conundrum in the fet world, and worse in 'nilla! Aiiiiiiii.

I was somewhat alarmed to be asked today should he turn off his profile - that was before we met. I said no. No harm in chatting to anybody and everybody, if the intent is harmless. I was a bit horrified when he offered me his passwords this evening. One, it's wayyyy too much on a first date, and two, he's a copper and doesn't credit me with the intelligence of being able to do it myself anyway??!! Plus he told me that he's been looking at my sites for 9 years. I should find that flattering, but I just find it weird.

Am I seeking the impossible? Am I too much for anybody? I don't know.

But onwards and upwards. I think this is going to be a very, very long haul. I am almost tempted to go on to 'nilla sites, but then I'll be explaining myself forever.

Bottomless prosecco brunch with the ladies to look forward to tomorrow. And I will send the loveliest Dear John before I go to bed. Ouch. But better to be honest.

Aug. 18th, 2017

S and I have exchanged over 250 emails in the last 2 days. I will probably come across as full of myself tomorrow, but I'm not, I am awash with doubts and fears. It's only a date you might say, but it's the first one I've been on in over 11 years. And I didn't want to be in this position. I just am.

There aren't any negatives, he's been absolutely lovely. It's been such a huge change, and perhaps that is maybe what's making me fretful. Rod was like that in the beginning.

Perhaps it's too soon and I should wait for Rod to leave and be by myself for a while.

Perhaps I've made the wrong decision.

Perhaps I should just be on my own full stop.

Anyway, best foot forward, only one way to find out.
I am very much in the mood to be ravaged, adored and looked after.

However, I shall be ladylike.
Every night I mean to put my phone on silent, and almost every night I forget. Last night I got a ping from Oz-Niece Emily, who has given birth to a gorgeous 8lb boy, Angus. I am so thrilled for her. she's going to be the bestest Mum! Come hell or high water, I'll find a way to get out to see her when I'm in Melbourne.

It's almost the weekend, things are just going to get better and better. New chapters.

Aug. 18th, 2017

For the first time in a very long time, I am feeling teenagerish again.

And fapping about men in uniforms :))

No hopes, no expectations. Just enjoying the moment. Allowing myself to be flirted with, flattered and appreciated.

Because it makes a bloody pleasant change from being lied to, cheated on and trod in to the dirt.

I am no longer a commodity.

And still, I rise.
The observant will note that some posts here and elsewhere have gone to friends only. And yes, there is a good reason for that! MY reasons. I'm no longer pleasing anybody else. And it's rather satisfying.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I say it's lazy.

Slowly gliding away from the attention-seeking, the drama-llama-ing, the blamestorming, and heading towards a much, calmer and more inviting environment. Replacing being shouted at with being listened to. Being made to feel anxious and insecure with being more serene. Going from being disparaged to being appreciated. No more being projected on. I am shining my own light, and it's gone back to attracting the right sort of people. And thank you to those who've encouraged me and showed warmth and love.

Being able to go from day to day, under the cosh of worrying what bad thing is going to happen next, has been wonderful. And making myself more aware that shit doesn't just happen, somebody makes it happen.

I have a very, very long way to go. It's been hard, and hard times to come. But I will prevail.

My universe hasn't quite found me yet, but it's let me know it's looking.

The door is open.
Couldn't check my gym stats as my phone wasn't picking up wifi yesterday, so I was somewhat stunned to find that I am now No 43 in the gym ranking!! I am delighted. No weight loss yet, but fat turning to muscle can't be a bad thing. Being stronger can't be a bad thing! That spurred me on ta a lovely walk through the park to the station this morning, which I really enjoyed, arriving clear headed and happy. And with a pulled muscle, bwahahaha! Serves me right, pride comes before a fall! Hurts too, from my groin almost to my knee. It'll pass quickly, I've already decided.

Been chatting away to a lovely lady in the States, she's just brought 3 vintage dresses from me, I hope she loves them. There are so many such genuinely warm, decent people there, it does make me wonder why they've ended up with idiot Trump and hateful white supremacists. I can't imagine what it feels like to be a non-white in Virginia (and other places) right now. Stunned by the shitty way people treat other people. Surely it's easy enough to ignore things you don't like? Or even better, educate your stupid selves.

Best bit of today so far was waking up to an email entitled "Nikki Tiff London Itinerary". Yesssssssssss!

Aug. 16th, 2017

I had a terrible conversation with my Dad today. Not deliberately, but he kept saying to me how worried he and Mum were about me being on my own. They are concerned about me coping, finances and everything else in between.

Absolutely the LAST thing I want is to be seen is as a victim, especially by my elderly parents. I went into a relationship with eyes wide open. I thought, at least for the first few years, that he had changed, but he had not. I should've put a stop to it then, I didn't, and that's my fault, because I wanted it to work, I was madly in love. I thought that love was enough, it wasn't, but I clung to the hope anyway.

So I played hardball with them and hope that I've assuaged their fears. I don't want them to think that I should accept second best to keep the status quo or to keep the gas bill paid into my old age. I don't.

I will find a love, or I'll manage.

However, I am devastated at being a worry to the 'rents. At my age, I bloody well shouldn't be.

I'm disappointed in myself for causing worry. I had wanted to be married or at least with a house by now, and I'm sorry I sold the first one in many ways. But I brought into a dream that was told to me many times, but didn't transpire.

Chatting to Nix tonight. Happiness is planning a much-awaited trip to the UK. Apart from that, having a quiet week, pending Lin's arrival from Wales this weekend. Brunch, Prosecco and Brick Lane awaits on Sunday.